Frustrations of a Fan

I love him. Very much. Everything he does is perfection, everything he says is right and let’s not talk about the way he looks, because that’s angelic. Of course he says he loves each one of us, his fans, because he has to say that. And I truly believe he means it. After all, it’s true what they all say: they wouldn’t be where they are without us. But it’s sad to think that he doesn’t know who I am. He knows who some fans are, but the majority, no. And I guess that’s normal. He obviously can’t meet, remember and know who millions of people are, but it’s sad. Not that it isn’t fair or that our dedication isn’t rewarded, because it is. That is what being a fan is about. Admiring and liking someone’s work and themselves too. But it isn’t sad because of that. It is sad because we start loving them. (I’ll change “we” to “I” and “them” to “him” so I don’t generalize and make false statements now.) I don’t think I’m the only one who fantasizes about meeting him and being special to him, about being that one fan he says he could be best friends with or even date. And sometimes is hard to stop doing that and easy to deepen that thought. It’s also easy to be blinded and accept everything he does, compare everyone to him and be sad. Be sad because I realize that it isn’t going to happen. That I probably won’t meet him, that he won’t treat me differently than he treats other fans, that we won’t fall in love. Then, I can be a “normal” fan. One who admires his work, likes what he does, but doesn’t lose its life for him. Because I’ll be realistic (not pessimist). Yes, I can do that. I need to do that. Otherwise I’ll suffer for loving him, and that sounds weird on its own.

Note: this text is a fiction based on (quite) true facts (about me). It isn’t a manual or a reprimand. Please don’t take anything too seriously.

Advertisements

I’m An Idealist

20140419-182148.jpg

This is not a very pre-planned post. I just needed to talk about something with someone. That something is: I’m an idealist and that is messing with my mind.

I don’t “hook up” and with that I mean that I guard myself, I don’t make out with a boy without feeling something towards him. Because of that, I am a “lonely” girl (I don’t feel lonely at all, but I’m alone most of times – sad, but true story). Sometimes, that makes me disappointed with life, of course, because we, humans, always want to blame something or someone other than ourselves, but I also get mad at me. Why can’t I find someone? What am I doing wrong?

Part of me being guarded is due to believing in love. I like to be in love. Deeply, truly in love. Or, at least, the idea of that. I don’t want to “waste time” with someone I’m not going to be in love with.

But there’s another problem. I don’t want to wreck a friendship I have for falling in love with a boy friend. See the problem? I can’t be with someone I don’t know and/or have feelings for, but I also don’t want to develop feelings for someone I know. It’s a cicle I can’t get out from.

But the actual reason why I’m writing this: I started admiring a boy “from distance”, not as a joke, but for fun. I then started talking to him and telling my friends I had a “friend-crush” (desire to be friends with) on him. But I think I may have developed an actual crush.

And, if I did, I’m screwed. He is not for me. At least for what I want from “love”. Why do I have to have such a high expectation regarding love? I’m a fool.

Thank you for listening, really.

Love,

Dani.

Dear teenager,

This is a text I’ve translated from Depois dos Quinze, written by Karine Rosa (it may have some bad translations, sorry). I like writing and I will write original stuff for you, but I just really really wanted to share this one because I think it has everything to do with the blog. Here we go:

For the hard moments of the best time of your life.

When you’re 22 years old, like I am, you will see yourself in a scary mid-term. You’ll still have fear to say you’ve got to the adult world, but you won’t be able to have your mistakes forgiven for being “too young”. On this phase, when you start to think what your life is going to be from now on, you will barely have time to look back and see how it was ’til yesterday. But truth is that we, people with twenty-something, were you some day. And I still remember the graces and disgraces. The pain you cry hidden. And the laughter you have without fear.

I never thought I would end up looking to you and wanting to give advice. Even because at 22, different from 16 years old, you don’t think you know everything in life anymore. Moreover, the older you get, the less about life you seem to know. The certainties end. And you start to question more things, change opinion with more frequency and propose yourself to listen other’s arguments in discussions you used to step your feet. But, as I said, I look at you and feel the will to warn you. Even if you don’t listen to me.

I think what I want to say the most is for you to be careful. You’ve already heard things like “careful with who you are with”. But it isn’t that. My tip is: careful with who you become near other people. You can be friends with whoever you want and you can be friends with people who are totally different from you. Just don’t let yourself change because of the environment. Have the personality to say ‘no’ when needed. And don’t be scared to fight for what you believe in. That’s better than letting yourself go with the flow.

Anyway, keep your friends from school. You’ll miss them one day, because sometimes you need someone who knew you when you didn’t even really have a formed personality. They will have gone through scary phases by your side, so they may know you better than those who showed up later. But keep those fews and good. Let go this desire of being popular. Believe me, it’s worth nothing.

Accept: the world don’t own you anything. What means that your dreams won’t fall in your lap easily, even if you grew up with the feeling you deserve a trophy. At one time you realize that you will have to fight for what you want. And that includes setting some fun things aside and doing the hard work to get there. No, it won’t always be nice, fun, with parties and drinks like the movies. Sometimes it will be only tiring. It’s part of it.

Don’t be so scared of the future. In the end, it ends up not being so scary. If you choose the wrong college, it’s ok. You can stop and start again. Moreover, write this down: the big part of your mistakes will be able to be fixed. You just have to want to do that.

This is the best part: the pains of your teenage don’t kill. The broken heart will heal, the insecurities will lower and you will move on. I know, it looks like what old people who don’t know anything tell you. But, like I said, I was you one day. I cried just as much. Had the same fears. And, here I am, alive. Believe me? I hope everything goes well.

~*~

If you made it to the end, I hope this text told you something like it did to me.

Love,

Dani.